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Varric's remarks

(upon entering The Hanged Man for the first time)

  • Talkative Man: That man over there. He's been staring at me for an entire hour. I counted.
  • Varric: Maybe he likes you.
  • Talkative Man: No. He knows. He knows that I know. But what he does not know is that I know that he knows that I know.
  • Varric: How do you know that he doesn't know that you know that he knows that you know, you know?
  • Talkative Man: What?
  • Varric: Exactly.
───────
  • Freelance prostitute outside The Blooming Rose: Varric! I haven't seen you in ages! When are you going to introduce me to more of your friends?
───────
  • (entering The Blooming Rose) Madame Lusine runs this place for Harlan. Or with him. Or on him. It's a Coterie thing.
  • (passing by the Wounded Coast lookout point) Water. Pretty exciting, I know.
  • (entering the Bones Pit) Hubert's miners must be a desperate lot to work here.
  • (entering Hightown market) I spend way too much time here.
  • (arriving at the Docks) Can we skip the Gallows? I've had my oppression for the day, thanks.
  • (after getting unconscious) Dear Varric, please learn to parry. Your innards. Ouch!

Location comments

ACT I

  • (Lowtown, day) Despite the name, Lowtown's not so bad. Just... more likely to be destroyed by tidal waves than Hightown.
  • (Lowtown, night) A lot of people are afraid to come here at night. I don't know why. The thieves will still shoot you in daylight.
  • (Hightown, day) Ah, Hightown. Where the rich go to piss their money away. This really is the best place in Kirkwall.
  • (Hightown, day) Keep a hand on your coin, Hawke. There are more cutpurses in Hightown than in rest of the city combined.
  • (Hightown, night) It's pretty here at night. Once the nobles are out of the way, you can really admire the scenery.
  • (The Docks, day) Bartrand likes to make me deal with the harbormaster. That man always smells like cod liver oil.
  • (The Docks, night) Have I mentioned that dwarves are lousy swimmers? Just... keep that in mind before you talk to any drunk sailors.
  • (The Darktown) You know what I love about the Undercity? Absolutely nothing.
  • (The Hanged Man) If you try any of the beer nuts, make sure they aren't moving first.
  • (The Hanged Man) Want a drink? I'll put it on my tab.
  • (The Hanged Man) This is the best place to listen to gossip in Kirkwall.
  • (The Blooming Rose) This place reminds me way too much of the Merchants Guild.
  • (The Viscount Keep) I don't know what the ancient Tevinters used this place for, but I bet it wasn't "making people feel at home".
  • (The Chantry) I've always kind of liked this place. It's like a building full of sweet old grandmothers.
  • (Sundermount) Oh hey, nature. I've heard about this. Thought it was just a rumor.
  • (The Wounded Coast) This is, beyond a doubt, the most wretched place I've ever been. The sooner we get back to Kirkwall, the better.
  • (The Bone Pits) I've lived all my life in Kirkwall, and until now, I've managed to avoid coming here. Wish I'd kept that up.
  • (The Deep Roads) I will not be sorry to see daylight again.
  • (The Deep Roads) I am getting truly sick of looking at stalagmites. Or are they stalactites? Shit, I don't know.
  • (The Deep Roads) Andraste's ass, dwarves actually live down here? On purpose? What in blazes for?
───────

ACT II

  • (Lowtown, night) You know who I don't want to meet in a Lowtown alley at night? Pretty much anyone.
  • (Hightown, day) Don't make eye contact with dwarf merchants here. I've skipped the last five guild meetings.
  • (Hightown, night) I've heard the nobles grousing about the commoners moving up. Congratulation, Hawke! You ruined the neighborhood!
  • (The Docks, day) What is this smell? Why does this place always smell?
  • (The Docks, night) This place rivals the Undercity for "worst part of Kirkwall".
  • (Darktown) This is some of the most expensive real estate in Kirkwall. Usually paid for in body parts.
  • (The Hanged Man) If you want a drink, order it from Corff. In three years, Norah has never gotten my order right.
  • (The Hanged Man) This is the best tavern in Kirkwall. It could use some cute dwarven serving girls, but otherwise, it's perfect.
  • (The Viscount Keep) How many servants do you think it takes to clean rafters in this place?
  • (The Chantry) You know, I think the Chant of Light would be more popular if it had more battles in it. Just a hunch.
  • (Sundermount) This outdoor thing is growing on me. Like a tumor.
  • (The Bone Pits) This place gives me the creeps. It's probably the name. They should call it "the pie fields". Everyone likes pie.
───────

ACT III

  • (Lowtown, day) I got used to this placed being filled with oxmen. It's strange not seeing them around.
  • (Lowtown, night) What is this smell? I think someone's murdered an elf in the alley. Watch your step.
  • (Hightown, night) All the most interesting things in Kirkwall happen in Hightown after dark. True story.
  • (The Docks, day) Great, it reminds me that I have five shipping manifests to look over when I get home.
  • (The Docks, night) I don't care what people say, the sound of waves is not soothing.
  • (Darktown) And this is still the rankiest pit in Thedas. Never changes.
  • (The Hanged Man) If you want to see something funny, flirt with Edwina. Go on, I dare you.
  • (The Hanged Man) My palatial suite in the Hanged Man is your palatial suite, Hawke. Make yourself at home.
  • (The Hanged Man) Did I pay my tab this month? Ah, I'll sort it out later.
  • (The Viscount Keep) After what happened here, I can't imagine anyone's eager to move into the viscount palace.
  • (The Chantry) The grand cleric reminds me of my mother. A really tall version of Mother. With a nicer hat.
  • (The Wounded Coast) We're surrounded by nothing for as as the eye can see. Why do we keep coming here?

Varric and Hawke

ACT II

At the beginning of the quest Repentance:

  • Sebastian: I-- Hawke! We were just talking about you.
  • Hawke: Carry on. I love to eavesdrop.
  • Varric: "Hawke said sarcastically."

If the aggressive option was chosen

  • Varric: "Hawke said aggressively."
  • Hawke: You know I hate it when you do that.
  • Varric: "Hawke muttered in an angry aside to the dwarf..."
───────

Act III

Inside the Hawke Estate, must have Dog

  • Varric: You know, you play diamondback better than my cousin Vidar. (To Dog)
  • Varric: You wag your tail whenever you have a good hand, though. Might want to watch that.
  • Dog: (Barks)
  • Hawke: Is it brilliant or horrible that you play diamondback with my dog? (humorous) / It's a short tail. I'm sure nobody notices. (diplomatic) / He doesn't take well to having his flaws pointed out. (aggressive)
  • Varric: All I'm saying is, he'd be up more than two sovereigns if he watched his tells.
  • Varric: My Uncle Emmet has a whole pack of rat terriers who play every week.
  • Varric: They're a cutthroat bunch. You've got a long way to go to be their quality.
  • Dog: (Growls)
  • Varric: Now don't take it bad—you're still better than Anders.
  • Dog: (Happy bark!)
  • Varric: Coming to the Hanged Man later?
  • Dog: (Barks)

Varric and Anders

ACT I

  • Anders: What?
  • Varric: Just wondering if the feathered pauldrons are an essential part of the moody rebel mage persona.
  • Anders: What are you talking about?
  • Varric: I'm working on an epic poem about a hopelessly romantic apostate waging an epic struggle against forces he can't possibly defeat.
  • Anders: What do you mean, “can't possibly defeat?”
  • Varric: Well, it's not a good story unless the hero dies.
───────
  • Anders: I've always wondered, why is every surface dwarf a merchant or a smith?
  • Varric: You left out criminals and hired muscle.
  • Anders: They don't count.
  • Varric: We dwarves are drawn to shiny objects. Sort of like Magpies, but with business sense.
  • Anders: You're kidding.
  • Varric: Of course I am. We come to the surface with the skills our ancestors had, Blondie.
  • Varric: You think there's a tradition of dwarf woodcutters in Orzammar? Bee keepers? Sailors?
  • Anders: Well, there could be mushroom growers and nug wranglers.
  • Varric: Orzammar will never let those people go topside. Too vital. Also, embarrassing.
───────
  • Varric: So a human, an elf, and a dwarf walk into a bar...
  • Anders: The human says, "You're lucky you're so short. That hurt like mad!"
  • Varric: You could have just stopped me, Blondie.
  • Anders: Why waste a perfectly good set-up?
───────

ACT II

  • Anders: Boiling in oil.
  • Varric: Too prosaic. Trapped in a cave with hungry bears, right at the spring thaw.
  • Anders: That lets him off too easy. Dipped in molten gold and left as a statue in the Viscount's Keep.
  • Varric: Ooh. That's poetic!
  • Hawke: What are you two talking about?
  • Varric: What to do to Bartrand when I find him.
  • Anders: Any suggestions?
───────
  • Varric: Blondie, I don't mean to sound critical, but have you considered a new line of work?
  • Anders: Such as?
  • Varric: Pretty much anything? I don't think "renegade mage" has a bright future. Or any retirement plan.
───────
  • Varric: If you've got something to say, just spit it out.
  • Anders: Are you sure you want to encourage me? I might be about to confess my undying love
  • Varric: I get that a lot. So what's on your mind?
  • Anders: I just realized it's been a while since any of the gangs in the Undercity came to my door.
  • Varric: They're busy people. Places to go, throats to cut. Maybe you've slipped their minds.
  • Anders: Right. The apostate running the free clinic in the sewers. Easy to forget. You didn't have anything to do with this?
  • Varric: You must have me confused with someone else! I'm just a businessman and a storyteller.
───────

If you complete Dissent

  • Varric: Oh, cheer up, Blondie. You're making me cry just looking at you.
  • Anders: Don't.
  • Varric: You made a mistake. It happens.
  • Anders: I almost killed a girl.
  • Varric: You've killed two-hundred and fifty-four by my last count. Plus about five hundred men, a few dozen giant spiders, and at least two demons.
  • Anders: It's not the same.
  • Varric: Why? Because this one you feel bad about? Maybe that's the problem.
───────

ACT III

  • Varric: So, three templars walk into a tavern.
  • Anders: Not right now, Varric.
  • Varric: You feeling all right, Blondie? You're always in the mood for templar jokes.
───────
  • Varric: So, the knight-commander... Boiling in oil? That one never gets old.
  • Anders: This is past time for joking.
  • Varric: I'm helping you indulge in elaborate revenge fantasies. I think it's good for you.
  • Anders: Meredith will die. Do not doubt that.
  • Varric: Go away, Justice. Can Anders come out and play?
  • Anders: Stop.
  • Varric: You are no fun anymore.
───────
  • Varric: You've been glowering for days. Your face is going to get stuck that way.
  • Anders: My face is the least of my concerns right now.
  • Varric: That's because you don't have to look at it.
  • Varric: If you could see it from this angle, Blondie, it'd be at least a close second on your priority list.
───────

If Hawke romances Anders

  • Anders: You're giving me that look again. What are you writing this time?
  • Varric: So, you and Hawke... I need some details. Did you go down on one knee? Did he/she jump you? Did you swear eternal vows of love, or is this just a physical thing?
  • Anders: I don't see how that's any of your business.
  • Varric: Fine, but if you don't tell me, I'm just going to have to make it up.

Varric and Aveline

ACT I

  • Aveline: Varric, do you do anything?
  • Varric: Am I the next stop in your career evaluations? Joy of joys.
  • Aveline: You watch and you talk. Is that it?
  • Varric: You are dismissing hallmarks of both the utterly ineffectual and the incredibly dangerous.
  • Aveline: I don't know what you mean.
  • Varric: It means coins flow when I talk and when I shut up. Like if you got paid to guard or unguard.
  • Aveline: That makes no sense.
  • Varric: Good.
───────
  • Aveline: Maybe I should put you to use Varric. Have you pen some warnings for the lawless.
  • Varric: Who's that for? Are most criminals big readers? Seems like pacifying the nobles.
  • Aveline: Pictures then. It was just a suggestion.
  • Varric: Well how about a giant sign that just says "Don't." You could hit people with it.
  • Aveline: Thank you, I get the point.
───────
  • Varric: A Fereldan in the guard. What will they think of next?
  • Aveline: You have a problem with that?
  • Varric: Me? My family's not native either. I'm just surprised. Lots of old prejudice in the guard.
  • Aveline: I'll give them plenty of reason to change their minds.
  • Varric: You know, it's possible they're just scared shitless of you. That's my theory, anyway.
───────
  • Varric: So what do you do, Aveline?
  • Aveline: You know I'm a guard, why are you asking?
  • Varric: I mean in your off-duty hours. For fun. You've heard of it, I hope?
  • Aveline: These are my off-duty hours.
  • Varric: And the trend of you scaring the piss out of me continues.
───────

ACT II

  • Aveline: Blondie, Sunshine, Daisy, Rivaini... What am I?
  • Varric: Beg your pardon?
  • Aveline: You don't call anyone by name except for me. Where's my nickname?
  • Varric: That's not true. There's Hawke. And Bianca.
  • Aveline: "Hawke" is a family name and Bianca is a crossbow. Don't change the subject.
  • Varric: Haven't thought of a good one yet. What do you think of "Red?"
  • Aveline: Too common.
  • Varric: Well, when you think of one, let me know.
───────
  • Aveline: You, Varric, have a very large mouth.
  • Varric: And here I've always looked up to you. What is it now?
  • Aveline: There were fistfights in the barracks over who is the model for your guard serial.
  • Varric: Hard in Hightown. Riveting stuff. Everyone loves a dirty guard on the edge.
  • Aveline: Varric.
  • Varric: Fine. I'll start his big finish. Three chapters until Donnen Brennicovick retires and opens a tavern on the coast.
  • Varric: I sure hope he makes it. He's getting too old for this shit.
───────
  • Aveline: You are very close to losing your printing blocks, Varric.
  • Varric: Once more I am falsely accused of whatever it is that I am accused of. Falsely.
  • Aveline: Someone swapped the text of my recruitment poster with some filth from the Blooming Rose.
  • Varric: That does sound pretty good.
  • Aveline: Sure, fill barracks with whores. But you've also filled the Rose with guards.
  • Varric: It is true what they say. The best comedy comes from tragedy.
───────
  • Aveline: You know the Tethras family businesses are registered in your cousin Elmand's name?
  • Varric: You don't say?
  • Aveline: But I can't find any record of you having a cousin Elmand.
  • Varric: I'll introduce you some time. He's a little on the shy side.
  • Aveline: Varric. He's imaginary.
  • Varric: Which makes him a much better head of the household than I am. He never misses the Merchants Guild meetings, for one.
───────

ACT III

  • Aveline: You're too quiet, Varric.
  • Varric: I'm thinking of switching to romances. Nothing? Not even a foreboding frown?

Only if The Long Road has been completed:

  • Aveline: I am content. Write what you will.
  • Varric: Well that certainly takes the fun out of it. Contentment in the barracks? Who'll pay to hear that shit?
  • Aveline: Then I should have thought of it years ago.

Otherwise:

  • Aveline: Do what you will. I don't care.
  • Varric: That is... not a comforting thought.
  • Aveline: It is what it is. I'm used to it.
  • Varric: I think we've both lost some inspiration.
───────
  • Aveline: Why are you still here, Varric?
  • Varric: Starkhaven's too pretentious for me and Cumberland's too boring.
  • Aveline: You always say you hate commitment, but here you are, six years later, still at Hawke's side.
  • Varric: Aveline, I thought you'd have noticed by now: I lie a lot.
───────
  • Aveline: Strange, I always thought I'd wind up arresting you some day.
  • Varric: If I ever decide to get caught, Aveline, you'll be the guard I let catch me.
  • Aveline: "Let catch you?"
  • Varric: "Decide to get caught" didn't trip you up though. Good to know!
───────
  • Aveline: How are you at finales, Varric?
  • Varric: I expecting some practical experience fairly soon.
  • Aveline: Make it a good one, will you?
  • Varric: For you, madam, endless sunsets and roses.
  • Aveline: Varric.
  • Varric: And the swift hand of the law sweeping all aside. I thought it went unsaid.


Varric and Bethany

  • Bethany: You don't seem to like your brother very much.
  • Varric: And here I thought it took blood magic to read minds.
  • Bethany: I had a twin brother, Carver. He used to nail my braid to the bed while I was sleeping.
  • Bethany: I never thought I'd miss him this much.
  • Varric: Sorry about your brother.
  • Varric: Hey, you want mine? I've got a spare...
───────
  • Bethany: Do you ever wish you lived in Orzammar?
  • Varric: Great Ancestors, no! You know what Orzammar is?
  • Varric: It's cramped tunnels, filled with nug-shit and body-odor.
  • Varric: And every person there thinks he's better than you because his great-great-great grandfather made a water-clock or something.
  • Bethany: But they're your people. Don't you even wonder what it would be like?
  • Varric: I have a good imagination. Why would I waste it on that?
───────
  • Bethany: Are you really not afraid of apostates? Not even a little?
  • Varric: Sunshine, I'm a dwarf. In case you missed that detail.
  • Bethany: Dwarves aren't completely immune to magic, you know.
  • Varric: No, no, no! I meant there are at least thirty people in this town who'd murder my family over trade deals.
  • Varric: Who has time to worry about apostates with a Merchant's Guild breathing down your neck?
  • Bethany: In that case... I see.
───────
  • Bethany: Your family used to be noble, right?
  • Varric: By some definition of the term.
  • Bethany: Do you ever wonder what your life would have been like, if you were still nobles?
  • Varric: Sunshine, nobility is just an expensive lifestyle. I've already got one of those.
  • Bethany: Nobles have power, too. And responsibilities.
  • Varric: Estates, servants, investments, mercenaries, assassins? We've still got all those things.
  • Varric: It's sunnier here, and nobody calls me my lord. I think I can live with that.
───────

Only if Birthright has been completed:

  • Varric: So... Milady Sunshine, what's your first act of noblewoman going to be?
  • Bethany: A noblewoman with no fortune and no title? Looking for work, probably.
  • Varric: Practicality is for peasants, my lady. You need to do something frivolous to celebrate your birthright.
  • Bethany: Such as...?
  • Varric: Come up to the Hightown Market and complain bitterly that there's no Orlesian silk that matches your eyes.
  • Bethany: But what if something does match my eyes? What will I do, then?
  • Varric: Insist that they're blatantly copying you, and demand royalties. A good noble always has a complaint ready, Sunshine.

Varric and Carver

  • Varric: You know, Junior, it's eerie how much of a resemblance there is between you two.
  • Carver: She's my sister, of course there's a resemblance. [If Hawke is female.]
  • Carver: We're brothers, what's eerie about that? [If Hawke is male.]
  • Varric: Ooh, you thought I meant Hawke. I was talking about Gamlen.
  • Carver: Maker, I hate you dwarf.
───────
  • Carver: Don't look at me.
  • Varric: What's the problem, little Hawke?
  • Carver: Don't call me...just don't alright? You're just looking for fodder for your stories.
  • Varric: You think you're that interesting?
  • Carver: I have enough trouble being overshadowed as it is. I don't need to get caught under an imaginary me, too.
  • Varric: Don't you worry. I'm not in the business of lullabies or children's stories.
───────
  • Carver: I'm surprised these tunnels don't simply collapse.
  • Varric: Dwarves made them.
  • Carver: Then I'm surprised they're not smaller.
───────
  • Varric: You know, Junior, you're looking at this all wrong.
  • Carver: Whatever it is you're about to say, I'm not interested.
  • Varric: I'm a professional younger brother. Trust me, the center of attention's the worst place to be.
  • Varric: When things go wrong, and they always do, that's where all the fingers point. Look at any kingdom in Thedas.
  • Varric: You've got people who warm thrones, and people nobody sees who do the real work.
  • Carver: And my sister is a queen in this scenario. Perfect. [If Hawke is female.]
  • Carver: So my brother is a king now? Just what he needs. [If Hawke is male.]
  • Varric: Point. Missing it. Oh well.
───────
  • Carver: Varric.
  • Varric: Carver.
  • Carver: Still think you're helping while burying us in debt to your brother?
  • Varric: Still riding side-saddle while bitching at your betters?
  • Carver: Drinks later?
  • Varric: Never miss'em.

Varric and Fenris

ACT I

  • Fenris: I thought all dwarves had beards. Where's yours?
  • Varric: I misplaced it, along with my sense of dwarven pride and my gold-plated noble caste pin.
  • Fenris: I thought maybe it fell onto your chest.
  • Varric: Oh-ho! The broody elf tells a joke!
  • Fenris: I don't brood.
  • Varric: Friend, if your brooding were any more impressive, women would swoon as you passed. They'd have broody babies in your honor.
  • Fenris: You're a very odd dwarf.
  • Varric: And you thought I was joking about the pin.
───────
  • Varric: So, Elf. That thing you do with your hand...
  • Fenris: I can already tell this isn't going anywhere pleasant.
  • Varric: I bet that makes pickpocketing easier.
  • Fenris: I'll try it some time and find out.
───────
  • Varric: So where's your beard, Elf?
  • Fenris: Elves don't grow beards.
  • Varric: Huh. I thought maybe you'd shaved it off in a fit of broody pique.
  • Fenris: So you're a funny dwarf.
───────
  • Varric: Is brooding a sport in Tevinter? Do they hold competitions? Hand out trophies for the best scowls?
  • Fenris: I'm not "brooding."
  • Varric: Moping, then. You seem like you're a champion at it.
  • Fenris: I'm perfectly content at the moment.
  • Varric: Oh, so that's you smiling? Glad you clarified that. I'd never have known.
───────

ACT II

  • Varric: You know, if you need advice on how to lay low I can give you some.
  • Fenris: Being short would make for an excellent start, I suspect.
  • Varric: Keep that up, serah, and you can keep on hiding like a rank amateur.
  • Fenris: What would you suggest, Varric? Cower in the shadows like a rat?
  • Varric: You could try wearing something that didn’t scream: "I hate you all! I was a slave!"
  • Fenris: The markings would still show.
  • Varric: Really? Through anything? That’s... kind of cool.
───────
  • Varric: You really ought to take that offer, Elf. It would keep the Coterie off your back pretty much permanently.
  • Fenris: I don’t need employment.
  • Varric: But it wouldn’t kill you to make some friends in this city. Three years, and you’re practically a ghost.
  • Fenris: I prefer it that way.
  • Varric: Healthy attitude there. Forget I said anything.
───────
  • Varric: So what do you do in that gigantic house all day?
  • Fenris: Dance, of course.
  • Varric: Really?
  • Fenris: I run from room to room, choreographing routines.
  • Varric: You're actually joking. Alert the Chantry! They need to put this on the calendar!
  • Fenris: And you thought I was always serious.
───────

If you complete Family Matter

  • Fenris: So you found your brother.
  • Varric: I did! Wasn't expecting that.
  • Fenris: I assume there was a time when you and he were friends?
  • Varric: With Bartrand? No, just brothers. Occasionally he wasn't insufferable.
  • Fenris: And yet you remained at his side.
  • Varric: Too bad he didn't do the same.
───────

In front of The Hanged Man:

  • Fenris: I still don't get the name. Did they hang someone here?

If Isabela is in the party

  • Isabela: It means being drunk.
  • Varric: Actually they used to hang men there. By their feet.
  • Fenris: Well, good thing they were drunk then.
───────

ACT III

  • Fenris: So... who is Bianca?
  • Varric: My crossbow. Say hello, Bianca.
  • Fenris: But why Bianca? You must have named her after someone.
  • Varric: Nope. Mirabelle was taken.
  • Fenris: The way you fondle your weapon is disturbing.
  • Varric: Hey! I'm a perfect gentleman. In public.
───────
  • Fenris: I notice you hardly ever comment on mages and templars and such.
  • Varric: It's a lot of humans in skirts. I get them mixed up.
  • Fenris: I highly doubt that. The subject comes up all the time.
  • Varric: Tell me about it.
  • Fenris: And no opinion? One way or the other?
  • Varric: Opinions are like testicles. You kick them hard enough, doesn't matter how many you got.
  • Fenris: That's... something.
───────
  • Varric: You know you still owe me five sovereigns, elf.
  • Fenris: I'm good for it.

If Isabela did not leave the party

  • Varric: So, you think you can win the coin from Isabela? Good luck with that.

Otherwise

  • Varric: So, you're going to borrow it from Hawke?

  • Varric: Coming to the Hanged Man for Wicked Grace later?
  • Fenris: Never miss it.
───────

If Hawke romanced Fenris

  • Varric: So...you and Hawke?
  • Fenris: What about us?

If Hawke is female

  • Varric: Want to make sure I get all the details right when I tell the story. Did you sweep her off her feet or was it the other way around?

If Hawke is male

  • Varric: Want to make sure I get all the details right when I tell this story. Did he sweep you off your feet? I'm assuming he did the sweeping. He's taller than you. Awkward, otherwise.

  • Fenris: I'm not telling you anything but this: There was no actual sweeping involved.
  • Varric: Every little bit helps, elf.
───────

LEGACY

  • Varric: You, elf, are one lucky son-of-a-bitch.
  • Fenris: Is this about the diamondback game? Again?
  • Varric: I've never seen anyone bluff like that in my life! I was sure you had a hand full of nothing.
  • Fenris: So was I. You're the one who pointed out I had four serpents.
  • Varric: See? Luckiest bastard I've ever seen.
───────
  • Fenris: So, Varric, this "spy network" of yours...
  • Varric: Oh, this I have to hear.
  • Fenris: You don't have one, do you? You make it all up.
  • Varric: Could be. That, or I have an army of elven urchins, and they're all watching.
  • Fenris: You are a strange, hairy little man.
───────

If neither Isabela or Fenris are in a romance with Hawke:

  • Varric: So, elf, what's this I've been hearing about you and the Rivaini?
  • Fenris: None of your business, dwarf.
  • Varric: Just be careful. I get the impression that Isabela's breakups turn into bloodbaths.
  • Fenris: That's part of the fun.

Varric and Isabela

ACT I

  • Varric: I shit you not, Rivaini, it was this big.
  • Isabela: There's no way. Impossible! I've had hundreds of those in my hands, and they're never that size.
  • Varric: Would I lie about something so critical?

Next line is dependent on third party member

  • Anders: I can't stand it anymore—what are you two talking about?
  • Aveline: I'm afraid to ask, but... what are you two going on about?
  • Carver: What is wrong with you two? Can't you ever have a conversation that isn't dirty?
  • Hawke: What are you two talking about?
  • Varric: We're discussing knives, of course. Well, daggers, technically. I never remember the difference.
  • Varric: Why? What did you think we were talking about?
───────
  • Varric: Rivaini, stop looking at my chest. My eyes are up here.
  • Isabela: But the chest hair...
  • Varric: Do you know how much I suffer under your gaze? I am a person, not an object!
  • Isabela: Uh, Varric?
  • Varric: (Laughs) Just shitting you.
───────
  • Varric: You know, Rivaini, you promised me you'd tell me how your ship wrecked.
  • Isabela: I was drunk. I thought the reefs around the Wounded Coast were made of candy.
  • Varric: Oh, come on.
  • Isabela: And a demon told me to do it. It bet me sixty sovereigns and a bottle of port.
  • Isabela: You're not the only one here who can bullshit, you know.
───────
  • Varric: I'll let you run your fingers through it, if you want.
  • Isabela: Your chest hair? My fingers? Oh, Varric, stop! You're making me quiver.
  • Varric: You know you want to.
  • Isabela: Oh, I do... I can't resist you. No woman can.
  • Varric: I know. It's a terrible burden.
───────

ACT II

  • Varric: Were you listening to that guy in the Hanged Man last night?
  • Isabela: "Your eyes are like bumblebees, flying into the window of my soul." (Laughs)
  • Varric: My favorite was, "Your lips are like the wings of sparrows. Red ones. With no feathers."
  • Isabela: "Oh, speak! And send the plucked wings of your lips soaring."
  • Varric: I'd buy the guy a drink, but I don't think he needs one.
───────
  • Varric: You have got to tell me what was in that box, Ravaini.
  • Isabela: Which box? I've opened so many...
  • Varric: Well, those too. But later. Right now: that Qunari relic.
  • Isabela: I'll make you a deal: I'll tell you what was in that box if you tell me how Bianca got her name.
  • Varric: Fine, forget I asked. Evil woman.
───────
  • Isabela: Come to me, and I'll take you to places you've never been...
  • Varric: Isabela... Are you talking to Bianca?
  • Isabela: I think she deserves to feel a woman's touch on her trigger, don't you?
  • Varric: Bianca responds to my touch. She'd never give it up for you.
  • Isabela: That's what they always say, and I always prove them wrong.
  • Varric: Stop it. You're confusing her. And me.
───────

If you complete The Long Road

  • Isabela: Psst. I've got some of it written down now.
  • Varric: Give it here.
  • Varric: "Her breasts strained against the leather jerkin like two wild stallions corralled against their will." (Chuckles)
  • Varric: "She pounced—the smooth moves of a jungle cat—and locked her thighs around Donnic's waist. He—"

If Aveline is in the party:

  • Aveline: What?
  • Isabela: Nothing.
  • Aveline: What is that?
  • Isabela: Shh! (Giggles)
  • Varric: Isabela just thought she'd celebrate your love affair with a... written dedication.
  • Isabela: It's "friend-fiction!" I do it out of love.
  • Aveline: I will never, ever be clean again.

If not:

  • Isabela: Maybe you should read the rest of it in private.
  • Varric: I think that's best.
───────

ACT III

  • Isabela: Varric, how does one get made a Paragon?
  • Varric: The Assembly votes on it. Enough votes, and—BAM!—you're a living God!
  • Isabela: You should ask to be made a Paragon. Of manliness.
  • Varric: I like the way you think, Rivaini, but one doesn't just ask to be made a Paragon.
  • Isabela: Why not? Everyone can see you're a paragon of manliness. It's just a matter of making it official.
───────
  • Varric: After all this, the life of a pirate is going to be dull, isn't it?
  • Isabela: I know! I'll have to steal myself another Qunari relic.
  • Varric: The scary thing is, I don't know if you're joking!
  • Isabela: Of course I'm joking. I'm not getting involved with those people again.
  • Isabela: No... this time, I'll steal the Queen of Antiva. There's no way that could go wrong.
───────

If Hawke romances Merrill

  • Varric: So, Hawke and Daisy.
  • Isabela: I think they're darling together.
  • Varric: It's almost too adorable. Well, except for the evil blood magic thing.
  • Isabela: The most evil thing Merrill does most days is pick the flowers out of other people's gardens.
  • Varric: I know, I have to bribe most of the gardeners in Hightown to keep it quiet.
───────

During The Last Straw after choosing sides

  • Varric: Just curious, does any of this make sense to you?
  • Isabela: What? This whole "everyone's waiting for the world to end" thing?
  • Varric: Yeah, that.
  • Isabela: Not remotely.
  • Varric: Good. It's not just me, then.

Varric and Merrill

ACT I

  • Merrill: I've never met a dwarf before.
  • Varric: That's because you spend too much time frolicking in the woods, Daisy. Dwarves don't frolic.
  • Merrill: Dalish don't really frolic, either. Not in the woods anyway.
  • Varric: You have sanctioned frolicking areas?
  • Merrill: No, just not in the woods. The trees get jealous.
  • Varric: But you do frolic?
  • Merrill: Of course we do! We wouldn't be elves, otherwise.
───────
  • Merrill: You remind me of Hahren Paivel, Varric. Only younger. And shorter. And not as serious.
  • Varric: So it's a close resemblance, then.
  • Merrill: Well, he tells stories. And you tell stories. Although none of his begin, "No shit, there I was."
  • Varric: I'll have to give him some better stories, then.
───────

After you speak to Merrill in her home for the first time

  • Merrill: Thank you very much for the help earlier, Varric!
  • Varric: You made it back to the Alienage in one piece, then?
  • Merrill: I don't know how I wound up in Darktown. There are just too many corners in Kirkwall.
  • Varric: Still got that ball of twine?
  • Merrill: I left it at my house. Don't worry! I won't get lost while we're following Hawke.
  • Varric: Bring it next time, Daisy. Just in case.
───────
  • Varric: Daisy, for my sake, please quit cutting through the alleys in Lowtown at night.
  • Merrill: Nothing ever happens. I'm perfectly safe, Varric.
  • Varric: Yes, I know. And that nothing is costing me a fortune.
───────

ACT II

  • Varric: So, I hear you've been visiting the viscount's garden, Daisy.
  • Merrill: They're enormous! And they're always empty. Why don't more people go to see them?
  • Varric: Probably because they're private and surrounded by guards.
  • Merrill: I thought all those men looked a bit cross.
───────
  • Merrill: Bianca is a very pretty name.
  • Varric: I'll tell her you said so, Daisy.
  • Merrill: She can't actually hear you, can she?
  • Varric: Of course she can. What kind of a question is that?
  • Merrill: Wait, are we talking about your crossbow or something else now?
───────

If you complete Family Matter:

  • Merrill: I'm sorry about your brother, Varric. Have you any other family?
  • Varric: (Snorts) I have family like a rat has fleas, Daisy.
  • Merrill: Does that mean you have a lot of family, or that they make you itch alot?
  • Varric: Both.

Alternatively:

  • Varric: I'm sure any priest who would pray for Bartrand would burst into flames.
  • Merrill: Oh, I didn't know priesthood was so dangerous.
  • Varric: Don't worry Daisy, the chantry keeps a lot of water on hand.
───────

If you complete Mirror Image

  • Varric: Why a mirror?
  • Merrill: I don't understand the question.
  • Varric: If your people were going to make a magical whatever for talking to each other, why choose a mirror?
  • Varric: Do elves spend a lot of time talking to their own reflections?
  • Merrill: I suppose the ancient elves would have felt silly talking to a wardrobe or an urn.
───────

ACT III

  • Merrill: You should have this back.
  • Varric: Twine? When did I loan you a ball of twine?
  • Merrill: You gave it to me when I first moved here when I kept getting lost in Lowtown.
  • Merrill: It drove the merchants in the market completely batty, but it did help me find my way.
  • Varric: Keep it, Daisy.
  • Merrill: I don't think I'll be getting lost again anytime soon.
  • Varric: You never know. You might need to tie a package up, hang a lantern, dress a roast chicken. It's multipurpose.
───────
  • Merrill: Is there a story behind Bianca?
  • Varric: There's a story behind everything, Daisy.
  • Merrill: So tell me!
  • Varric: I can't.
  • Merrill: Why not?
  • Varric: There was a girl, and I made a promise. Bianca is the only story I can never tell.
  • Merrill: You can't say that! Now I want to know even more!
  • Varric: That was the idea, Daisy.
───────

During A New Path

  • Varric: Does anybody else get the feeling that this is going to end badly? Just me huh?
  • Merrill: It's not all bad Varric, think of the stories you'll be able to tell later.
  • Varric: No offense Daisy, but I could live without telling anyone that we murdered you on some mountain side, it's little hard to made that one sound good.
───────

During A New Path

  • Varric: Who thought putting a demon in a cave on Sundermount was a good idea in the first place?
  • Merrill: Where would you have put him?
  • Varric: Tevinter maybe? Or in the Anderfels? Further away from Kirkwall that's for sure.
───────

During The Last Straw after choosing sides

  • Merrill: Varric, how does the story end?
  • Varric: Which story, Daisy?
  • Merrill: The big one. With us and Hawke, the Mages and Templars. Everything.
  • Varric: You want to know before it happens? You're not worried about spoiling the surprise?
  • Merrill: I might not see it end.
  • Varric: You have to stick with us if you want to find out how it turns out, Daisy.

Varric and Sebastian

ACT II

  • Sebastian: It's been very exciting working with Hawke.
  • Varric: Are you for real?

If Hawke is male:

  • Sebastian: It seems like he's involved every time there's a crisis in Kirkwall.

If Hawke is female:

  • Sebastian: It seems like she's involved every time something goes wrong in Kirkwall.
  • Sebastian: I've never had so many opportunities to help people!
  • Varric: All right. I thought I was getting tired of moody. I take it back.
  • Varric: You're making my teeth ache.
───────
  • Varric: So, Choir Boy, this usurper of yours is... twenty feet tall?
  • Sebastian: Not even close, no.
  • Varric: But he has claws for hands, right?
  • Sebastian: Fingers. Perfectly normal ones. If a little fat, perhaps.
  • Varric: He eats babies, though. And farts fire.
  • Sebastian: You're not serious, I hope.
  • Varric: You can't even pretend to be interesting, can you?
───────
  • Sebastian: You must forgive your brother.
  • Varric: While you were off playing prince, Bartrand trapped us in the Deep Roads and left us to die.
  • Sebastian: When you hold onto anger, it colors everything you do.
  • Sebastian: You escaped the Deep Roads. You built a life without your brother. Do you still want him haunting you?
  • Varric: Oh, go find some beggars to sing to, will you?
───────
  • Varric: Tell us about Starkhaven, Choir Boy. I'm sure we're all burning with curiosity about your far-away land.
  • Sebastian: "My far-away land?" It's inland Free Marches, not on the moon.
  • Varric: And here I was hoping...
  • Sebastian: It's a lot like here. But fewer dead people.
  • Varric: Well, you don't have Hawke.
───────

ACT III

  • Varric: I've heard rumors about Starkhaven, you know.
  • Varric: They say you eat the dead up there. And murder strangers in the street.
  • Sebastian: Why do I suspect that when you say you've "heard" rumors, you mean you've invented some?
  • Varric: Six of one, half-dozen of another.
───────
  • Varric: You know, Choir Boy, I wouldn't normally say this, but—the shiny white armor? It works for you.
  • Sebastian: That's uncharacteristically kind of you, Varric.
  • Varric: Makes you look like a lacquered pilot whale.
  • Sebastian: Ah, now that was much more in-character.
───────
  • Sebastian: You know, if you have time, I could give you a few archery pointers.
  • Varric: Excuse me?
  • Sebastian: Sometimes your shots veer a little left, I thought maybe your cocking ring was off.
  • Sebastian: I could take a look if you like.
  • Varric: You want to touch Bianca's cocking ring?
  • Sebastian: It was just a thought.
───────
  • Varric: So, I've known you for three years now. I give up. You beat me. What is it?
  • Varric: You like boys? Sheep? You slept with your sister?
  • Sebastian: What are you talking about?
  • Varric: What are you hiding? Nobody's this bloody clean.
  • Varric: After you leave the chantry you... get drunk at the Hanged Man and walk around in women's clothes?

If Isabela is in the party:

  • Isabela: Not that I've seen. Unfortunately.
  • Sebastian: I've been honest with you and Hawke.
  • Varric: Liar.
  • Sebastian: Lying is a sin.
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