Varric Tethras/Dialogue

Friendship and Rivalry

My notes aren't as good as they could be, apologies for the less than detailed descriptions.

In act 1, you can talk to Varric in his room at the Hanged Man. He will ask you about killing the Ogre.

• Diplomatic response + all questions + Diplomatic response: (+10)
• Humour + all questions + Diplomatic: (+10)
• Diplomatic + all questions + Humour: (+15)
• Humour + Humour: (-15)
• Humour + aggressive: (-15)

Varric's dialogue contains a list of conversations he shares with his companions.

Varric and Anders

• Anders: What?
• Varric: Just wondering if the feathered pauldrons are an essential part of the moody rebel mage persona.
• Anders: What are you talking about?
• Varric: I'm working on an epic poem about a hopelessly romantic apostate, waging an epic struggle against forces he can't possibly defeat.
• Anders: What do you mean “can't possibly defeat?”
• Varric: Well, it's not a good story unless the hero dies.

───────

• Anders: I've always wondered, why is every surface dwarf a merchant or a smith?
• Varric: You left out criminals and hired muscle.
• Anders: They don't count.
• Varric: We dwarves are drawn to shiny objects. Sort of like Magpies, but with business sense.
• Anders: You're kidding.
• Varric: Of course I am. We come to the surface with the skills our ancestors had, Blondie. You think there's a tradition of Dwarf woodcutters in Orzammar? Bee keepers? Sailors?
• Anders: Well, there could be mushroom growers and nug wranglers.
• Varric: Orzammar will never let those people go topside. Too vital. Also, embarrassing.

───────

• Varric: So... a human, an elf and a dwarf walk into a bar.
• Anders: The human says 'You're lucky you're so short. That hurt like mad'.
• Varric: You could have just stopped me, blondie.
• Anders: Why waste a perfectly good setup?

───────

• Varric: So, the Knight-Commander... Boiling in oil? That one never gets old.
• Anders: This is past time for joking.
• Varric: I'm helping you indulge in elaborate revenge fantasies. I think it's good for you.
• Anders: Meredith will die. Do not doubt that.
• Varric: Oh, go away, Justice. Can Anders come out and play?
• Anders: Stop.
• Varric: You are no fun anymore.

───────

(after the Anders companion quest Dissent)

• Varric: Oh, cheer up, Blondie. You're making me cry just looking at you.
• Anders: Don't.
• Varric: You made a mistake. It happens.
• Anders: I almost killed a girl.
• Varric: You've killed two-hundred and fifty-four by my last count. Plus about five hundred men, a few dozen giant spiders, and at least two demons.
• Anders: It's not the same.
• Varric: Why? Because this one you feel bad about? Maybe that's the problem.

───────

(if Hawke romances Anders)

• Anders: You're giving me that look again. What are you writing this time?
• Varric: So, you and Hawke... I need some details. Did you go down on one knee? Did he/she jump you? Did you swear eternal vows of love, or is this just a physical thing?
• Anders: I don't see how that's any of your business.
• Varric: Fine, but if you don't tell me, I'm just going to have to make it up.

───────

• Varric: Blondie, not to sound critical but have you considered a new line of work?
• Anders: Such as?
• Varric: Pretty much anything? I don't think "renegade mage" has a bright future. Or any retirement plan.

───────

• Varric: If you have something to say, just spit it out.
• Anders: Are you sure you want to encourage me? I might be about to confess my undying love
• Varric: I get that a lot. So whats on your mind?
• Anders: I just realized it's been a while since any of the gangs from the undercity came to my door.
• Varric: They're busy people. Places to go, throats to cut. Maybe you've slipped their minds.
• Anders: Right. The apostate running the free clinic in the sewers. Easy to forget. You didn't have anything to do with this?
• Varric: You must have me confused with someone else! I'm just a businessman and a storyteller.

Varric and Aveline

• Aveline: Varric, do you do anything?
• Varric: Am I the next stop in your career evaluations? Joy of joys.
• Aveline: You watch and you talk. Is that it?
• Varric: You are dismissing hallmarks of both the utterly ineffectual and the incredibly dangerous.
• Aveline: I don't know what you mean.
• Varric: It means coins flow when I talk and when I shut up. Like if you got paid to guard or unguard.
• Aveline: That makes no sense.
• Varric: Good.

───────

• Aveline: Maybe I should put you to use Varric. Have you pen some warnings for the lawless.
• Varric: Who's that for? Are most criminals big readers? Seems like pacifying the nobles.
• Aveline: Pictures then. It was just a suggestion.
• Varric: Well how about a giant sign that just says "Don't." You could hit people with it.
• Aveline: Thank you, I get the point.

───────

• Varric: A Fereldan in the guard. What will they think of next?
• Aveline: You have a problem with that?
• Varric: Me? My family's not native either. I'm just surprised. Lots of old prejudice in the guard.
• Aveline: I'll give them plenty of reason to change their minds.
• Varric: You know, it's possible they're just scared shitless of you. That's my theory, anyway.

───────

• Varric: So what do you do, Aveline?
• Aveline: You know I'm a guard, why are you asking?
• Varric: I mean in your off-duty hours. For fun. You've heard of it, I hope?
• Aveline: These are my off-duty hours.
• Varric: And the trend of you scaring the piss out of me continues.

───────

Act 2

• Aveline: You, Varric, have a very large mouth.
• Varric: And here I've always looked up to you. What is it now?
• Aveline: There were fistfights in the barracks over who is the model for your guard serial.
• Varric: Hard in Hightown. Riveting stuff. Everyone loves a dirty guard on the edge.
• Aveline: Varric.
• Varric: Fine. I'll start his big finish. Three chapters until Donnen Brennicovick retires and opens a tavern on the coast.
• Varric: I sure hope he makes it. He's getting too old for this shit.

───────

• Aveline: You are very close to losing your printing blocks, Varric.
• Varric: Once more I am falsely accused of whatever it is that I am accused of. Falsely.
• Aveline: Someone swapped the text of my recruitment poster with some filth from the Blooming Rose.
• Varric: That does sound pretty good.
• Aveline: Sure, fill barracks with whores. But you've also filled the Rose with guards.
• Varric: It's true what they say. The best comedy comes from tragedy.

───────

• Aveline: Blondie, Sunshine, Daisy, Rivaini... What am I?
• Varric: Beg your pardon?
• Aveline: You don't call anyone by name except for me. Where's my nickname?
• Varric: That's not true. There's Hawke. And Bianca.
• Aveline: "Hawke" is a family name and Bianca is a crossbow. Don't change the subject.
• Varric: Haven't thought of a good one yet. What do you think of "Red?"
• Aveline: Too common.
• Varric: Well, when you think of one, let me know.

───────

• Aveline: You know the Tethras family businesses are registered in your cousin Elmand's name?
• Varric: You don't say?
• Aveline: But I can't find any record of you having a cousin Elmand.
• Varric: I'll introduce you some time. He's a little on the shy side.
• Aveline: Varric. He's imaginary.
• Varric: Which makes him a much better head of the household than I am. He never misses the Merchants Guild meetings, for one.

───────

Act 3

• Aveline: Why are you still here, Varric?
• Varric: Starkhaven's too pretentious for me and Cumberland's too boring.
• Aveline: You always say you hate commitment, but here you are, six years later, still at Hawke's side.
• Varric: Aveline, I thought you'd have noticed by now: I lie a lot.

───────

• Aveline: Strange, I always thought I'd wind up arresting you some day.
• Varric: If I ever decide to get caught, Aveline, you'll be the guard I let catch me.
• Aveline: "Let catch you"?
• Varric: "Decide to get caught" didn't trip you though. Good to know!

───────

• Aveline: You're too quiet, Varric.
• Varric: I'm thinking of switching to romances. Nothing? Not even a foreboding frown?
• Aveline: I am content. Write what you will.
• Varric: Well that certainly takes the fun out of it. Contentment in the barracks? Who'll pay to hear that shit?
• Aveline: Then I should have thought of it years ago.

───────

• Aveline: How are you at finales, Varric?
• Varric: I intend to get some practical experience pretty soon.
• Aveline: Make it a good one, will you?
• Varric: For you, madam, endless sunsets and roses.
• Aveline: Varric.
• Varric: And the swift hand of the law sweeping all aside. I thought that went unsaid.

Varric and Bethany

• Bethany: You don't seem to like your brother very much.
• Varric: And here I thought it took blood magic to read minds.
• Bethany: I had a twin brother, Carver. He used to nail my braid to the bed while I was sleeping.
• Bethany: I never thought I'd miss him this much.
• Varric: Sorry about your brother.
• Varric: Hey, you want mine? I've got a spare...

───────

• Bethany: Do you ever wish you lived in Orzammar?
• Varric: Great Ancestors, no! You know what Orzammar is?
• Varric: It's cramped tunnels, filled with nug-shit and body-odor.
• Varric: And every person there thinks he's better than you because his great-great-great grandfather made a water-clock or something.
• Bethany: But they're your people. Don't you even wonder what it would be like?
• Varric: I have a good imagination. Why would I waste it on that?

───────

• Bethany: Are you really not afraid of apostates? Not even a little?
• Varric: Sunshine, I'm a dwarf. In case you missed that detail.
• Bethany: Dwarves aren't completely immune to magic, you know.
• Varric: No, no, no! I meant there are at least thirty people in this town who'd murder my family over trade deals.
• Varric: Who has time to worry about apostates with a Merchant's Guild breathing down your neck?
• Bethany: In that case... I see.

───────

• Bethany: Your family used to be noble, right?
• Varric: By some definition of the term.
• Bethany: Do you ever wonder what your life would have been like, if you were still nobles?
• Varric: Sunshine, nobility is just an expensive lifestyle. I've already got one of those.
• Bethany: Nobles have power, too. And responsibilities.
• Varric: Estates, servants, investments, mercenaries, assassins? We've still got all those things.
• Varric: It's sunnier here, and nobody calls me my lord. I think I can live with that.

───────

Only if Birthright has been completed:

• Varric: So...Milady Sunshine, what's your first act of noblewoman going to be?
• Bethany: A noblewoman with no fortune and no title? Looking for work, probably.
• Varric: Practicality is for peasants my lady. You need to do something frivolous to celebrate your birthright.
• Bethany: Such as...?
• Varric: Come up to the Hightown Market and complain bitterly that there's no Orlesian silk that matches your eyes.
• Bethany: But what if something does match my eyes? What will I do, then?
• Varric: Insist that they're blatantly copying you, and demand royalties. A good noble always has a complaint ready, Sunshine.

Varric and Carver

• Varric: You know, Junior, it's eerie how much of a resemblance there is between you two.
• Carver: He/she's my brother/sister, of course there's a resemblance.
• Varric: Ooh, you thought I meant Hawke. I was talking about Gamlen.
• Carver: Maker, I hate you dwarf.

───────

• Carver: Don't look at me.
• Varric: What's the problem, little Hawke?
• Carver: Don't call me...you're just looking for fodder for your stories.
• Varric: You think you're that interesting?
• Carver: I have enough trouble being overshadowed as it is. I don't need to get caught under an imaginary me, too.
• Varric: Don't you worry. I'm not in the business of lullabies or children's stories.

───────

• Carver: I'm surprised these tunnels don't simply collapse.
• Varric: Dwarves made them.
• Carver: Then I'm surprised they're not smaller.

Varric and Fenris

• Varric: So, elf, that thing you do with your hand...
• Fenris: I can already tell this isn't going anywhere pleasant.
• Varric: I bet that makes pickpocketing easier.
• Fenris: I'll try it some time and find out.

───────

• Fenris: I thought all dwarves had beards. Where's yours?
• Varric: I misplaced it, along with my sense of dwarven pride and my gold-plated noble caste pin.
• Fenris: I thought maybe it fell onto your chest.
• Varric: Oh-ho! The broody elf tells a joke!
• Fenris: I don't brood.
• Varric: Friend, if your brooding were any more impressive, women would swoon as you passed. They'd have broody babies in your honor.
• Fenris: You're a very odd dwarf.
• Varric: And you thought I was joking about the pin.

───────

• Varric: So where's your beard, elf?
• Fenris: Elves don't grow beards.
• Varric: Huh. I thought maybe you'd shaved it off in a fit of broody pique.
• Fenris: So you're a funny dwarf.

───────

• Varric: Is brooding a sport in Tevinter? Do they hold competitions? Hand out trophies for the best scowls?
• Fenris: I'm not "brooding."
• Varric: Moping, then. You seem like you're a champion at it.
• Fenris: I'm perfectly content at the moment.
• Varric: Oh, so that's you smiling? Glad you clarified that. I'd never have known.

───────

• Varric: You know, if you need advice on how to lay low, I can give you some.
• Fenris: Being short would make for an excellent start, I suspect.
• Varric: Keep that up, serah, and you can keep on hiding like a rank amateur.
• Fenris: What would you suggest, Varric? Cower in the shadows like a rat?
• Varric: You could try wearing something that didn’t scream: "I hate you all! I was a slave!"
• Fenris: The markings would still show.
• Varric: Really? Through anything? That’s... kinda cool.

───────

• Varric: You really oughta take that offer, elf. It would keep the Coterie off your back pretty much permanently.
• Fenris: I don’t need employment.
• Varric: But it wouldn’t kill you to make some friends in this city. Three years, and you’re practically a ghost.
• Fenris: I prefer it that way.
• Varric: Healthy attitude there. Forget I said anything.

───────

• Varric: You know you still owe me five sovereigns, elf.
• Fenris: I'm good for it.
• Varric: So, you think you can win the coin from Isabela? Good luck with that./ So you're going to borrow it from Hawke(if romanced)
• Varric: Coming to the Hanged Man for Wicked Grace later?
• Fenris: Never miss it.

───────

• Fenris: So...who is Bianca?
• Varric: She's my crossbow.
• Fenris: But why Bianca? You must have named her after someone.
• Varric: Nope, Mirabelle was taken.
• Fenris: The way you fondle your weapon is disturbing.
• Varric: Hey! I'm a perfect gentleman. In public.

───────

• Varric: So...you and Hawke?
• Fenris: What about us?
• Varric: Want to make sure I get all the details right when I tell the story. Did you sweep her off her feet or was it the other way around?
• Fenris: I'm not telling you anything but this: There was no actual sweeping involved.
• Varric: Every little bit helps, elf.

(If female Hawke romanced Fenris)

───────

• Varric: So...you and Hawke?
• Fenris: What about us?
• Varric: Want to make sure I get all the details right when I tell the story. Did he sweep you off your feet? I'm assuming he did the sweeping. He's taller than you. Awkward, otherwise.
• Fenris: I'm not telling you anything but this: There was no actual sweeping involved.
• Varric: Every little bit helps, elf.

(If male Hawke romanced Fenris)

───────

• Varric: So what do you do in that gigantic house all day?
• Fenris: Dance, of course
• Varric: Really?
• Fenris: I run from room to room, choreographing routines.
• Varric: Huh, you're actually joking! Alert the Chantry! They need to put this on the calendar.
• Fenris: And you thought I was always serious.

Varric and Isabela

• Varric: Rivaini, stop looking at my chest. My eyes are up here.
• Isabela: But the chest hair...
• Varric: Do you know how much I suffer under your gaze? I am a person, not an object!
• Isabela: Uh, Varric?
• Varric: (Laughs) Just shitting you.

───────

• Varric: I'll let you run your fingers through it, if you want.
• Isabela: Your chest hair? My fingers? Oh, Varric, stop! You're making me quiver.
• Varric: You know you want to.
• Isabela: Oh, I do... I can't resist you. No woman can.
• Varric: I know. It's a terrible burden.

───────

• Varric: I shit you not, Rivaini, it was this big.
• Isabela: There's no way. Impossible! I've had hundreds of those in my hands, and they're never that size.
• Varric: Would I lie about something so critical?

next line is dependent on third party member

• Anders: I can't stand it anymore, what are you two talking about?
• Aveline: I'm afraid to ask, but... what are you two going on about?
• Carver: What is wrong with you two? Can't you ever have a conversation that isn't dirty?
• Hawke: What are you two talking about?

• Varric: We're discussing knives, of course. Well, daggers, technically. I never remember the difference.
• Varric: Why? What did you think we were talking about?

───────

• Varric: You know, Rivaini, you promised me you'd tell me how your ship wrecked.
• Isabela: I was drunk. I thought the reefs around the Wounded Coast were made of candy.
• Varric: Oh, come on.
• Isabela: And a demon told me to do it. It bet me sixty sovereigns and a bottle of port.
• Isabela: You're not the only one here who can bullshit, you know.

───────

• Isabela: Psst. I've got some of it written down now.
• Varric: Give it here. "Her breasts strained against the leather jerkin like two wild stallions corralled against their will." (Chuckles) "She pounced–the smooth moves of a jungle cat–and locked her thighs around Donnic's waist. He–"
• Isabela: Maybe you should read the rest of it in private.
• Varric: I think that's best.

───────

• Isabela: Psst. I've got some of it written down now.
• Varric: Give it here. "Her breasts strained against the leather jerkin like two wild stallions corralled against their will." (Chuckles) "She pounced–the smooth moves of a jungle cat–and locked her thighs around Donnic's waist. He–"
• Aveline: What?
• Isabela: Nothing.
• Aveline: What is that?
• Isabela: Shh! (giggles)
• Varric: Isabela just thought she'd celebrate your love affair with a... written dedication.
• Isabela: It's "friend-fiction!" I do it out of love.
• Aveline: I will never, ever be clean again.

If Aveline is in the party

───────

• Isabela: Come to me, and I'll take you to places you've never been.
• Varric: Isabela...are you talking to Bianca?
• Isabela: I think she deserves to feel a woman's touch on her trigger, don't you?
• Varric: Bianca responds to my touch. She'd never give it up for you.
• Isabela: That's what they always say, and I always prove them wrong.
• Varric: Stop it. You're confusing her. And me.

───────

• Varric: Where you listening to that guy in the Hanged Man last night?
• Isabela: "Your eyes are like bumblebees flying into the window of my soul." (Laughs)
• Varric: My favorite was "Your lips are like the wings of sparrows. Red ones. With no feathers."
• Isabela: "Oh speak and send the plucked wings of your lips soaring."
• Varric: I'd buy the guy a drink, but I don't think he needs one.

───────

• Varric: You have got to tell me what was in that box, Ravaini.
• Isabela: Which box? I've opened so many...
• Varric: Well those too. But later. Right now: that Qunari relic.
• Isabela: I'll make you a deal: I'll tell you what was in that box if you tell me how Bianca got her name.
• Varric: Fine. Forget I asked. Evil woman.

───────

(If Hawke romances Merrill)

• Varric: So, Hawke and Daisy.
• Isabela: I think they're darling together.
• Varric: It's almost too adorable. Well, except for the evil blood magic thing.
• Isabela: The most evil thing Merrill does most days is pick the flowers out of other people's gardens.
• Varric: I know, I have to bribe most of the gardeners in Hightown to keep it quiet.

Varric and Merrill

• Merrill: I've never met a dwarf before.
• Varric: That's because you spend too much time frolicking in the woods Daisy. Dwarfs don't frolic.
• Merrill: Dalish don't really frolic either, not in the woods anyway.
• Varric: What? You have sanctioned frolicking areas?
• Merrill: No, just not in the woods, the trees get jealous.
• Varric: But you do frolic?
• Merrill: Of course we do, we wouldn't be elves otherwise.

───────

• Merrill: You remind me of Hahren Paivel, Varric. Only younger. And shorter. And not as serious.
• Varric: So it's a close resemblance, then?
• Merrill: Well, he tells stories. And you tell stories. Although none of his begin, (in low, gruff voice) "No shit, there I was."
• Varric: I'll have to give him some better stories, then.

───────

• Merrill: Thank you very much for the help earlier Varric.
• Varric: You made it back to the Alienage in one piece then?
• Merrill: I don't know how I wound up in Darktown. There are just too many corners in Kirkwall.
• Varric: Still got that ball of twine?
• Merrill: I left it at my house. Don't worry. I won't get lost while we're following Hawke.
• Varric: Bring it next time, Daisy. Just in case.

───────

• Merrill: Bianca is a very pretty name.
• Varric: I'll tell her you said so, Daisy.
• Merrill: She can't actually hear you can she?
• Varric: Of course she can. What kind of a question is that?
• Merrill: Wait, are we talking about your crossbow or something else now?

───────

• Varric: So, I hear you've been visiting the viscount's garden, Daisy.
• Merrill: They're enormous! And they're always empty. Why don't more people go to see them?
• Varric: Probably because they're private and surrounded by guards.
• Merrill: I thought all those men looked a bit cross.

───────

(During Act III - Needs to be edited for accuracy)

• Merrill: You can have this back
• Varric: Twine? When did I lend you a ball of twine?
• Merrill: When I first came to the city. It helped me find my way when I got lost. It drove the merchants absolutely batty but I never got lost again.
• Varric: Keep it Daisy, you can use it for other things. Like tying up a package or stringing up a roast. It's multi-purpose.

───────

• Varric: Daisy, for my sake, please quit cutting through the alleys in Lowtown at night.
• Merrill: Nothing ever happens. I'm perfectly safe, Varric.
• Varric: Yes, I know. And that nothing is costing me a fortune.

───────

(during A New Path)

• Varric: Does anybody else get the feeling that this is going to end badly? Just me huh?
• Merrill: It's not all bad Varric, think of the stories you'll be able to tell later.
• Varric: No offence Daisy, but I could live without telling anyone that we murdered you on some mountain side, it's little hard to made that one sound good.

───────

(during A New Path)

• Varric: Who thought putting a demon in a cave on Sundermount was a good idea in the first place?
• Merrill: Where would you have put him?
• Varric: Tevinter maybe? Or in the Anderfels? Further away from Kirkwall that's for sure.

Varric and Sebastian

• Varric: So, Choir Boy, this usurper of yours is... twenty feet tall?
• Sebastian: Not even close, no.
• Varric: But he has claws for hands, right?
• Sebastian: Fingers. Perfectly normal ones. If a little fat, perhaps.
• Varric: He eats babies, though. And farts fire.
• Sebastian: You're not serious, I hope.
• Varric: You can't even pretend to be interesting, can you?

───────

• Varric: Tell us about Starkhaven, Choir Boy. I'm sure we're all burning with curiosity about your far-away land.
• Sebastian: "My far-away land?" It's inland Free Marches, not on the moon.
• Varric: And here I was hoping...
• Sebastian: It's a lot like here. But fewer dead people.
• Varric: Well, you don't have Hawke.

───────

• Sebastian: It's been very exciting working with Hawke.
• Varric: Are you for real?
• Sebastian: It seems like s/he's involved every time there's a crisis in Kirkwall.
• Sebastian: I've never had so many opportunities to help people!
• Varric: All right. I thought I was getting tired of moody. I take it back.
• Varric: You're making my teeth ache.