Zevran Arainai/Dialogue

Zevran and Alistair
--
 * Zevran: Might I offer you a bit of advice, my good friend Alistair?
 * Alistair: I like my hair the way it is, thank you.
 * Zevran: Truly? As you wish... though my advice is regarding something else completely. It has to do with your recent... exertions with your fellow Grey Warden that I overheard.
 * Alistair: My...? Oh.
 * Zevran: It did seem as if you just got going when all grew quiet. You are... feeling all right, yes? Perhaps you are tired?
 * Alistair: We aren't talking about this, are we? Did I hit my head?
 * Zevran: I have some roots from home that you may chew if you need energy. As for volume, perhaps you ought to try arching your--
 * Alistair: Whoa! Whoa! Awkward!
 * Zevran: You Fereldans are so finicky. How will you ever learn how to pleasure each other unless you talk about it?
 * Alistair: not listening! La la la la la!

--
 * Zevran: You know, Alistair, Antiva has a long tradition of royal bastards.
 * Alistair: You don't say?
 * Zevran: Oh, yes. They've led wars to claim the throne. Some of them have become kings. In fact, I'd say the current royal line in Antiva stems from bastard blood several times over.
 * Alistair: Well aren't you just chock full of useless trivia today.
 * Zevran: Sadly, whenever a royal bastard rears their head in public and declares themselves, it often goes poorly for them.
 * Alistair: Let me guess: they get assassinated?
 * Zevran: Only the very popular ones.
 * Alistair: And the unpopular ones?
 * Zevran: Well, they get by somehow, I'm sure. There was one fellow who did quite well working as a prostitute based on his uncanny resemblance to the king. Charged a fortune.
 * Alistair: Couldn't afford him, I take it?
 * Zevran: That cynicism will serve you well, my friend. Hold onto it.

--
 * Zevran: So are you a very religious man, Alistair? I am curious. I believe I heard you say you were raised in an abbey?
 * Alistair: I was raised in a castle. I was schooled in the abbey. As far as being religious... I don't know. Not especially. What about you? Not in your line of work, I expect.
 * Zeveran: Why do you say that? I happen to be quite devoted, in my way, as most Antivans are.
 * Alistair: Truly? But you kill people. For money.
 * Zeveran: And I ask forgiveness for my sins from the Maker every chance I get. What manner of monster do you think I am?
 * Alistair: But... you ask forgiveness and then you go right on with your sinning?
 * Zeveran: The Maker has never objected. Why should you?
 * Alistair: I... have no idea.
 * Zeveran: Well there you go. Perhaps you ought to think about asking for a little forgiveness yourself, hm?

--
 * Alistair: So I have a question for you, Zevran. You're here, at least in part, to get away from the Crows, right?
 * Zeveran: That is indeed true.
 * Alistair: So when this is over, what do you intend to do with yourself? You can't go back to Antiva, I assume.
 * Zeveran: What I do depends in large part upon your fellow Grey Warden. I am not a free man, as it were.
 * Alistair: Yes, yes, but what if you could do whatever you wanted?
 * Zeveran: Oh, I don't know. Aren't you going to be king? Perhaps you have people you need killed?
 * Alistair: I probably do, yes.
 * Zeveran: See? It's that sort of thinking that makes me thing I have a future in this fine country of yours.
 * Alistair: That's assuming I would hire you.
 * Zeveran: That's the lovely thing about kings. They make for good business, as the client or the target.
 * Alistair: And people wonder why someone might not want to be king.

--
 * Alistair: So why would the Crows send you, Zevran?
 * Zeveran: Is there some reason why they should not?
 * Alistair: Plenty of reasons. Starting with the fact that you weren't exactly the best they had, were you?
 * Zeveran: Slandar and lies. For shame, Alistair.
 * Alistair: I'm not an idiot. Well, not most of the time. You're no raw recruit, but I've seen you fight. You're no master of combat, by any means.
 * Zeveran: Assuming that I intended a fair fight, that would indeed be a problem.
 * Alistair: But the Crows must have master assassins, the way you describe them. Men with years and years of experience. Why not send them?
 * Zeveran: Why not, indeed? It is a mystery for the ages.
 * Alistair: Oh, I get it. You're not going to tell me.
 * Zeveran: Morrigan said you were sharp. No liar, she.


 * Zeveran: Still with the stern glances, Alistair?
 * Alistair: You didn't answer my question. About why the Crows wouldn't send their best man.
 * Zeveran: So for that I must suffer all these fearsome glares? You are cruel to subject me to such torture.
 * Alistair: If you aren't telling me, there must be a reason.
 * Zeveran: If you must know, the masters do not often take contracts outside Antiva. And I made the best bid.
 * Alistair: Best bid?
 * Zeveran: We agree to pay the guild a portion of whatever the contract offers. The one who agrees to pay the most gets the contract, so long as the guild deems them worthy.
 * Alistair: And they thought you were worthy?
 * Zeveran: Against a pair of Grey Warden recruits? Apparently so.
 * Alistair: Were there many who wanted the contract?
 * Zeveran: None. You are still Grey Wardens, after all, and even in Antiva, killing members of your order is considered... impolitic. It made the guild's decision considerably easier, I imagine.
 * Alistair: Well, that's comforting, somehow.

Zevran and Oghren

 * Zevran: Hello my stocky little friend!
 * Oghren: Huh. You got small breasts for a gal.
 * Zevran: Ah. This is where we begin the typical dwarven/elven rivalry, is it?
 * Oghren: Nahhh.

--


 * Oghren: So... Antiva. Wonderful place. Full of Antivans...
 * Zevran: Oghren. If you want to bed me, you need only ask.
 * Oghren: What!? Draw your sword and say that again!
 * Zevran: (Laughs) I jest, my foul-smelling friend. You are only slightly more attractive to me than a slime-filled pool of swamp water.
 * Oghren: (Grunts) Better be.
 * Zevran: You have my oath.
 * Oghren: Bloody Antivans.

--


 * Zevran: What exactly are you drinking my fine dwarven friend?
 * Oghren: You can't have any!
 * Zevran: Do not worry, I won't. The stench is worse than your feet.
 * Oghren: What're you doing smelling my feet, uh? Is that some kind of Antivan perversion?
 * Zevran: It is difficult not to smell your feet. Perhaps in Antiva.
 * Oghren: Now you're beginning to sound like Branka.
 * Zevran: Well, she must have been a dwarf with astoundingly clean feet.

--


 * Zevran: You never did answer my question about that filth you so enjoy.
 * Oghren: That's right, I didn't.
 * Zevran: How is it that you never seem to run out? Are you purchasing it somewhere?
 * Oghren: Bah. Nobody sells the good stuff.
 * Zevran: Then are you making it? i don't see a still at the camp...And you aren't walking around with a keg, so unless you're... oh no...
 * Oghren: What? Where has that perverted elven mind of yours gone?
 * Zevran: That... would explain the smell... Suddenly I'm not so interested in trying a sample...

--


 * Oghren: I would have thought saving the surface would have involved less walking.
 * Zevran: Little legs getting tired?
 * Oghren: I thought these people had animals. Horses and such.
 * Zevran: In Orlais, perhaps, but not here. if you like, I could hoist you up on my back.
 * Oghren: Hey now, don't start with the--
 * Zevran: Yes, climb up, and I'll cart you around like a child! Marvelous fun!
 * Oghren: You knife-eared pipe-cleaner, you couldn't carry me on your best day.
 * Zevran: Mmmm. Perhaps if you left behind the spirits, all the weapons, and lost about two feet of beard...
 * Oghren: Ach. I give up. Just keep walking.

--


 * Oghren: Hey, elf. You're all right.
 * Zevran: Am I?
 * Oghren: Aye. I was thinking, I was thinking that you're... you're just all right.
 * Zevran: Drunk again, Oghren?
 * Oghren: "Drunk again, Oghren?" You sound like my father. He was all, "You're drunk; stop wetting on the table."
 * Zevran: How dare he.
 * Oghren: Least my mom had the good sense to hide the booze from him. So, you know, she could drink where he couldn't see her. (Laughs)
 * Zevran: That's heartwarming.
 * Oghren: Hey buddy, let's not go crazy or anything. Keep your pants where I can see 'em.

--


 * Oghren: Elf!
 * Zevran: Oghren!
 * Oghren: I have something to say to you!
 * Zevran: I am all ears, as we elves like to say.
 * Oghren: I... Well, now I forgot.
 * Zevran: Alas.
 * Oghren: But just know I had something.
 * Zevran: You've had several somethings, I suspect. It's part of your charm.

--


 * Zevran: So is it very strange for you, my friend, living in the world of the tall?
 * Oghren: Here I thought I was living in the world of the nosy and the stupid.
 * Zevran: It just occurred to me. Chairs are too high. Tables are out of reach. using the toilet facilities alone must be a lesson in humility.
 * Oghren: I'm not bloody two feet tall, you swishy nug-licker!
 * Zevran: And then the light! After all that gloom of Orzammar and the Deep Roads, it's a wonder you don't wander about squinting in pain.
 * Oghren: It is bright, I'll give you that.
 * Zevran: And... oh! Not to have a roof over your head! You must constantly fear that you'll fall up into that vast, endlessly open sky.
 * Oghren: Uh...
 * Zevran: One day you live within the surety of a mountain, and then gone! Nothing but vacuum, nothing to stop you from being sucked up into the void, nothing to--
 * Oghren: Stop! One more word and I chop you down where you stand!
 * Zevran: You are a brave, brave little soldier, my friend.

--


 * Oghren: I just don't understand you elves. Not one bit.
 * Zevran: Oh? Where is your comprehension lacking, my friend?
 * Oghren: These humans... they turn you all into slaves. They... what did they do? They destroy your homeland! Twice!
 * Zevran: What is your point, dwarf?
 * Oghren: Well, I just don't understand. Why don't you just... kill 'em all?
 * Zevran: There are a great many more humans than elves, if you haven't noticed.
 * Oghren: So? There's a hundred humans for every dwarf, too, but you don't see us bending over an' getting our pipes cleaned, do you?
 * Zevran: That's big talk for a man who lives in a tunnel.
 * Oghren: All I know is the dwarves would never stand for it. You'd think you elves would have learned to duck.
 * Zevran: That must be it, exactly.

--


 * Zevran: I think I have a joke for you, my fine dwarven friend.
 * Oghren: Just don't expect me to laugh.
 * Zevran: So a human, an elf, and a dwarf are walking down a trail beside a stream, and they stop to take a piss.
 * Oghren: All right. Things are lookin' up. Continue.
 * Zevran: After, the human takes out some soap and begins washing his hands. "We humans have learned how to be clean and hygienic," he says to the others. The elf begins picking some leaves off the trees and wipes his hands with them. "We elves do as tradition has taught us and use what nature has provided." The dwarf, meanwhile, has pulled up his trousers and is already on his way down the trail. "And our ancestors," he calls back, "taught us dwarves not to piss on our hands!" (Laughs)
 * Oghren: Heh. Shows you what you know about dwarves.

--


 * Oghren: All right. I guess you aren't all that bad.
 * Zevran: You just decided that, did you?
 * Oghren: Well, I've watch you fight. You could be worse, I guess.
 * Zevran: From you, that's practically a proposal of marriage.
 * Oghren: Don't get excited or nothin'. You're not what I'm looking for in a wife.
 * Zevran: Considering what happened to your last wife, I'll count myself as fortunate.